


Star Wars (sort of)

by zsomeone



Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: Acting, Crack, Star Wars References
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-09-01
Updated: 2010-09-01
Packaged: 2018-03-16 21:19:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3503147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zsomeone/pseuds/zsomeone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Not a crossover, Dethklok acting out Star Wars.  Badly.  A horribly scrambled mix of the original 3 movies (4-6) with a touch of Spaceballs thrown in.  Pickles ended up sort of directing it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Star Wars (sort of)

**Author's Note:**

> Cast:  
> Nathan: Darth Vader  
> Toki: Luke Skywalker  
> Pickles: Yoda, C3PO, Death Star employee  
> Murderface: Han Solo, Death Star employee  
> Skwisgaar: Chewbacca, Princess Leia  
> The Force: random Klokateer

All of Dethklok were watching TV, and they were very bored. That particular station chose that moment to advertise that they would be showing Star Wars in the following week.  
 _(And this is important because I HAVE NO INTRO. But hey, at least I’m writing again! So anyway, they decide for whatever reason that they’re going to act out Star Wars, like when they did Terminator 2. So that’s what they’re doing. Back to the fic.)_

Murderface didn’t want to be a leftover character this time. “I call Han Scholo!”  
“Uh... Uh... I’M DARTH VADER! So there!” Nathan shook his hair in his face, it vaguely looked like a black helmet.  
“I’s Luke Skywalker! I’s going to go gets my light saber!” Toki ran off.  
“Dude, do ya think he’s rally gat one?”  
“I don’t know. Who are you, Pickles?”  
“Eh, I’ll be Yoda. An’ C3PO too, jest fer tha hell of it.”  
“Who ams I?”  
“I need my schidekick, he can be Chewbacca.”  
“We need a Princess Leia too! Um, I guess he can be both.”  
“Why ams I always de ladies?!”  
“Schut up, Schwisgaar.”

“I gots my light saber!” Toki came back, waving a familiar bright green dildo.  
“Oh gawd, thet’s pretty gay there, Toki.” Pickles jumped back as Toki tried to stab him with it. “Agh! Don’t touch me with thet thing!”  
“See?! It works good! Who’s everybodies else?”  
“Pickles is Yoda and C3PO, and Skwisgaar is Chewbacca and Princess Leia.”  
“Cool! Can we makes him wears the bikini?”  
“I AMS NOTS WEARING DE BIKINIS!”  
“Does anybody even have one? No? Oh well, it’s your lucky day, Skwisgaar. Or something.”

“Okie, where do we start? I’ve never seen them when I wasn’t rally high, so I don’t ‘member too well. Toki, ya wanna come hang out in my swamp and learn tha force?” Pickles sat on the floor, to be shorter.  
“Okays!” He looked around and grabbed a chair. “I guess this is my spaceships.”  
Luke: “Oh noes, my spaceship crashes in Louisiana! Oh hellos little green man!”  
Yoda: “Yoda I am. Tha force I teach ya. Jedi like yer dad, you will be. Now the force, use it ta lift yer spaceship ya will.”  
Toki pointed to a nearby Klokateer. “You! Gets over here, you gots to be the force! You makes it happen when I does stuff, okays?”  
“Yes, my lord.”

Luke: “I’s liftings my spaceship!”  
(The force picked up the chair and held it, waiting.)  
Yoda: “Dropped it ya did, try it again ya will.”  
(The force put down the chair.)  
Luke: “I lifts it again! Okay, I’s got this, I wants to go fights people now.”  
(The force had raised the chair again and was holding it, unsure of what to do.)  
“Puts that down, I’s done!” Toki sat on his chair. “Bye, Yodas!”  
Pickles got up. “Let’s do tha Jabba tha Hut part next, okie?”  
“Uh, nobody’s Jabba the Hut. I’m not doing it!”  
“Tha couch and be ‘im. Skwisgaar, go lay by the couch, yer it’s slave.  
“I ams a slaves to de _couches_? What de fucks?”  
“Jest does it!”

Skwisgaar lay by the couch, leaning in one elbow and looking quite displeased. He didn’t look any happier when Pickles slipped a spare guitar strap over his head and tucked it into the couch cushion as a leash.  
“Murderface, go stand against the wall! You’re bronzed!”  
“I’m pretty schure they didn’t bronzche him.”  
“Well, that’s how it looks!”  
Grudgingly, Murderface stood against the wall with his hands held in an oh-no-I’ve-been encased-in metal pose.  
“I can’t remember what happens next! Fuck it, I guess you both got saved. I want a scene! I’m like, in my Death Star... Hey, we were kind of Deth stars when we made that awful movie! Anyway, Murderface, Pickles, you can be some of my employees. Force guy, I’m gonna need you too.”

Murderface just stood there, but Pickles pretended to punch buttons or something.  
Vader: “herrr-hurrrr... Hey whay isn’t that guy... herrr-hurrrr... doing anything?”  
Employee: “He’s an Asshole, sir. An’ so am I.”  
“Uh, I think that’s Spaceballs, not Star Wars.”  
“Who cares, dude?”  
“Yeah, you’re right.”  
Vader: “herrr-hurrrr... I’m surrounded by... herrr-hurrrr... Assholes.”   
Nathan held his hand toward Murderface. “Hey force guy, I’m choking him.”  
(The force choked Murderface.)  
“Whoa dude, enough!”  
(The force lets go.) “I apologize, my lord.”

“I want to has a battle!” Toki brandished his dildo threateningly.  
“No, we gatta do at least one ship scene first. Murderface, yer flyin’, git up here.” Pickles patted the couch, Murderface sat down. “Okie, Skwisgaar. Git up here with ‘im and be Chewbacca, then ya can go back and be tha Princess again.”  
Han: “It’sch nice to not be bronzed anymore, Chewie.”  
Chewbacca: “Um, arrrrgh?”  
Han: “I missched you too.”  
Chewbacca: “Arugh.”  
C3PO: “Luke an’ tha Princess are gonna kiss, stay up here so ya don’t get too jealous.”  
“Whats?! I has to kiss Skwisgaar?!”  
“It’s in tha movie! Don’t worry, he ends up with Murderface, naught you.”

Leaving Murderface with his imaginary friend (since Skwisgaar had to go be Princess Leia), they stood behind the couch. Well, except for Nathan, who was just watching.  
C3PO: “Well here he is, tha dude thet saved ya. Give ‘um a big kiss, make it a good one.”  
Luke: “The robots just jealous because he gots no dick, and-“  
Skwisgaar grabbed him and kissed him, cutting off whatever else he might have been going to say. He appeared to be using tongue.  
Luke: “Wowee! I... I didn’t thinks you _really_ does it! What the fucks?!”  
Princess Liea: “Pfft.”  
“Thet was pretty gay.”  
“You ams just mad because I’s de better actors.”

“Can we just get to the fight part?” Nathan was bored.  
“Yeah, I wants to get the the fight part too!”  
“Fine! Nathan, Toki, go ahead and have yer battle. We’re killin’ tha movie anyway.”  
Toki pulled his dildo out of his pocket (where else would he have put it?) And waved it at Nathan.  
Deciding that he needed a weapon of his own, Nathan scanned the room and grabbed a bottle of Explosion Sauce. Holding it by the neck, he faced off against Toki, barely able to see through all the hair in his face.  
It was an entertaining “fight” to watch. Toki didn’t fear the sauce like Skwisgaar did, but didn’t want to be whacked with a glass bottle. And Nathan didn’t want to even be _touched_ by the dildo.  
“I’m tha ghost of Obi Wan or sahmthin’. Use tha force, Luke!”  
(The force stepped forward, but Toki waved him back.)  
Luke: “I don’t needs the force, I gots this really cool codpiece! I means light saber!”

Nathan managed to whack Toki on the arm while he was distracted.  
Luke: “Ow!”  
Vader: “herrr-hurrrr... You should have, like... herrr-hurrrr... used the force. herrr-hurrrr... Because... herrr-hurrrr... I just cut off your hand.”  
Luke: “This sucks! I really hates it!”  
“Toki, ya gatta pull yer hand in your shirt.”  
Toki looked down at his t-shirt, then shrugged and pulled his entire arm in since it wasn’t long sleeved.  
Vader: “Ha, I cut off your whole arm! So I’m... oops, herrr-hurrrr... more brutal then the real... herrr-hurrrr... Vader. Except wait- herrr-hurrrr... I _am_ the real Vader. herrr-hurrrr... Yeah.”

Pickles noticed that Skwisgaar and Murderface looked really bored. “Oh, ya guys can make out now, if ya want.”  
“Oh no tanks.”  
“I’ll passch.”  
“Well ya gatt do it later then! Nathan, isn’t there sahmthin’ ya need ta tell Toki?”  
Vader: “Oh right! herrr-hurrrr... Luke... herrr-hurrrr... I am your father?”  
Luke: “NOES!”  
Vader: “Yeah... herrr-hurrrr... I’m pretty sure I am.”  
Luke: “Oh that just fuckings figures! My dad’s... NOW YOU’S MY DAD AND YOU CUTS MY ARM OFF!”  
“Whoa, Toki! Yer gettin’ out of character here, calm down dude! Umm... Jest fall off the pole thing and let Skwisgaar and Murderface rescue you, okie?”  
Luke: “Fines! Look, I’s falling!”

Han: “It’sch okay, we caught you. And we’ll get you a new arm, schomething really cool.”  
Luke: “Whatsever. Oh by the ways, Leia is my sisters.”  
Leia: “Oh greats, incests. Tanks you for dat.”  
Han: “Schucksch to be you! But now I get the Princessch. Hey, where’sch sCh3PO, he can marry usch!”  
Liea: “I don’ts tink Creepio can does dat actuallies.”  
C3PO: “She’s raight, thet’s naught even in tha movie. But ya gatta kiss!”  
Murderface made kissy faces at Skwisgaar, who sneered down at him.  
C3PO: “Yer in love with ‘im an’ ya gatta kiss!”  
“Fines!” Skwisgaar grabbed Murderface and gave him a quick kiss.  
At least, that was the plan. But Murderface held on and didn’t let him get off that easy.  
Leia: “Ew, he gives me de tongues!”  
“Well you does it to me earliers, serves you right!”

“Okay, I has enough of dis. I ams jus goings to be Chewbaccas now, not more kissings.”  
“Uh, I think Chewbacca like, kisses him too. I don’t really remember.”  
“Well it ams not happenings now!”  
“Hey! I remembered something! I’m like, spinning away in a tiny spaceship!”  
Vader: “Ohohoh... herrr-hurrrr... ohohoh... herrr-hurrrr”  
Han: “We schaved the galaxchy!”  
Chewbacca: “Arrr!”  
Luke: “Yays!”  
C3PO: “Good job, guys! Good job!”  
“Uh... is this over now?”  
“Yep.”


End file.
